Sunday, March 2, 2008

How to Get Into An Ivy League School– Part 2

In case you didn’t know it, Mark A. Rayner over at the Carnival of Satire is a spy. He used his high tech equipment to root out one of my tips on this topic and this has grave implications. I have thus sought to quickly publish this next set of guidelines on an issue which has caused parents and their kids no end of worry lest Mark persists and steals my thunder. Interestingly some of those parents themselves are Ivy League grads, which leads me right into my first guiding principle.

  1. Be Born Into the Right Family

This is called benefiting from the legacy tip. Oh yes, you may be your class valedictorian and biting your nails over college acceptances but the boy who might just have made it by a hair into the top 50% of your class and who has the right surname is as cool as cucumber. Why? If you are the favored son or daughter of four generations of Yale alumni then you have nothing to worry about. The accomplishments of your granddad or dad will tip the scales in your favor right into the acceptance stack. Surely you have heard of George W. Bush. Know where he went? Yale of course, and what about his dad and his granddad? GO YALE! If you think I’m kidding check out Yale Daily News which confirms that “about 15 percent of the class of 2010 had parents or grandparents who attended Yale.” Now, if you have an aristocratic name and don’t know where your grandfather went to college or better yet if you don’t know your grandfather, head over to and see if you can find him. Maybe he went to Yale, Harvard, Dartmouth or even Princeton who knows? With the right connections you could end up there too.

  1. Be or Become a Minority

Don’t leave just yet. In case you didn’t find that your grandfather had any Ivy League blue blood maybe he or even his father did have some latino or negro blood. Careful now, if he trekked from Asia to the New World you may be in trouble. To benefit from being minority he had to have been from say the African continent or from a Hispanic country. So if he was perhaps an active participant in the slave trade or a fruit picker, you are in business. Now don’t you be silly and mind the role your grandfather or great-grandfather played. This is not a time to have issues, get ethnic and relate, it’s Obama time! You know what they say about having one drop of black blood. That’s right it makes you black, so head to the tanning booth, dye those blonde locks of yours, hide those blues with some dark colored contacts and march over to your interviewer with confidence. That’s right, be proud, say it loud! It seems too that being a man and heading to college is now a rarity, the women are arriving in droves, so if you are a black, male, college applicant, hey you have got it made. One final note on this. The common college application form says, “If you wish to be identified with a particular ethnic group, check all that apply.”[emphasis added] You can check as many as you wish, you decide. Remember though; try to avoid checking the Asian box if you can. You Asians are too smart for your own good. Now you are being penalized.

  1. Sell Yourself Like an Internet Marketing Guru

You will have to submit an essay or personal statement with your application. You will have to treat this like how you treat marketing any business. Have you ever seen some of those make money online sites with banners screaming “Want to know how I made $1,000,000.00 in a Day, Sign up!” You need to grab the attention of those jaded college admissions officers in the same way. Now don’t bother getting out the sharpie or making fancy colorful, Photoshop designs; what I mean is that you have to write an essay that presents you as special, unique, distinctive and you have to start from the get go. So you must open your essay with a bang, just like those internet banners. For God’s sake do not write about your journey into the hell of heroin addiction or of your struggle with schizophrenia or some other mental illness. If you just can’t figure how to make yourself look like the brilliant writer whose exceptional life makes you a stellar example deserving of a Princeton education, then spend loads of money on college sites. Oh yes there are sites out there where you can get assistance from writing specialists on the college application essay writing process. So get cracking and sign up so that you can produce a first-class, one of a kind essay highlighting your accomplishments, your amazing triumph over adversity or your extraordinary plan to eradicate poverty in Africa. You can get it custom modeled, critiqued, analyzed and proofread. By the time they are done you will have a new, improved you. Hey these specialists are Ivy League educated editors so what did you expect?

These guidelines should set you in good stead to achieve your stated goal. There will be several other hurdles to surmount like teacher recommendations and interviews, but I am sure that now you have a feel for the process you can attack those on your own. Remember you are not doing this for yourself alone, you are doing it for God, for your country and for the Ivy league. Once again may good fortune shine upon you on your journey.

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